In Search Of Vent . . . . . . . .



The clock struck 1am. I was strolling in the verandah, sipping coffee……..its strong flavor filling my nostrils, in a futile effort to relax my nerves, as the moments continued to flash incongruously . . . . . . . . . . . .


It was bright daylight. I was still in my bed, rolling lazily. I pulled the laptop to my side and logged in to check my gmail account. It was flooded with numerous mails from him. I could not help the slow smile spreading across my lips. He was about to see me today after nine long months and was excited with a childish pleasure. I lay in my bed, recollecting the days…….

It was exactly nine months and three days before, he left moved to Bangalore to complete his training.
I had gone to see him off at the airport.

“I bet you won’t be taking brainolia to remember everything!”His eyes smoldered. Those eyes still haunt me.Did I really expect it to work?? Is it some kind of miracle?? Is it a dream?? Is it really happening to me??

My cell-phone rang all of a sudden. It was Suhani. With a helpless urgency in her voice, she asked me to rush to the nursing-home where her mother was admitted.
“I will be right there”

I boarded the bus and staggered thoughts seemed to float in my mind.

His last mail --- “3pm sharp…you make me wait a minute longer and I will make you pay harder”. He always put up that kind of an irritating yet loving stubbornness. Then the phone call --- what could have happened? Suhani refused to say anything over phone. I pondered over every possibility.

A sudden hush jerked me out of my thoughts.There had been an accident.Two buses were in those competition-craps and our bus hit someone. Everyone got off the bus. So did I.

A guy --- two or three years older than me was lying in a pool of blood. The scene horrified me. I could feel hairs rising on my hand. I have never seen so much blood before. The body lay unconscious though he still seemed to have some life left within him. It was terrible. To my shocking surprise, no one seemed to bother, more than showing a tinge of sympathy. Adding to disgust, the traffic constables stood there, chuckling to themselves and blaming the driver.I was about to take a closer look at the body, thinking of helping him to some near-by hospital, that one constables pushed me aside --- “stay away…it’s the duty of police….let them handle it”.
I was overwhelmed with a sudden rage, “there is someone dying and everyone here is waiting for some damn police to come!”
“O! Madam seems to have a melting heart!” one of the constables grinned foxily.

I was about to flare up that my phone beeped.It was Suhani. I could feel her impatience.

I left the place, painfully conscious of being selfish and hailed a cab.When I reached the nursing-home, Suhani’s mom was dead.
Suhani was crying like anything. I have never seen her so frightened and so vulnerable. I put my arms round her and she went on sobbing….her body fighting hysteria.I felt a lump forming down my throat. It always happens to me. I am never able to give away my tears in public and the lump hurt even more. I had a special bond with Suhani’s mom. Besides being a beautiful, inspiring lady, she used to call me her ‘second daughter’.

The lump hurt.

It was half-past three. We were at Suhani’s place. The house seemed to be devastated. No one ate. No one drank. Each corner of the house roared with a deathly silence….a silent mourning. It was my first encounter with death. I sat very still, feeling helpless and grieved.

Suhani came up, “he will be waiting for you. You better leave.”

I had completely forgotten about him. I checked my watch. It was already half-an-hour late. But how could I leave her at this moment? May be I could ring him. Oh! He was not carrying his cell-phone with him. I never felt so crippled before. “You go...its alright…you have nothing to do here…then why make him wait .....and that too after nine long months!..you go….”.
I felt so small before her guts. I hesitated. But Suhani nodded firmly.I was on my way to city-centre. It was one-hour bus journey from Suhani’s house.

He had argued, “I am not going to meet at any of those malls….they are not romantic”
“Cut the romantic part”
I insisted and he had agreed.
“City-Centre...then?”

Thoughts swirled in my mind. I felt selfish and irresponsible.My friend has lost her mom just a few hours ago and I leave her just for a date? How can I be such pig-headed?

The bus to city-centre came. Suddenly, I realized, I was standing at the place where the accident had occurred in the morning.I felt a sharp pang in my stomach. My vision blurred with tears. I found myself, standing bewildered at the corner of the road.I had been acting like such a lunatic right through the day…being selfish to all!

I heard two people talking about the accident. I approached them.Next moment I was on my way to the hospital where the victim was admitted. The vision of the figure in a pool of blood kept coming back to me. I did not know what I was doing. I did not know why on earth I was rushing to some unknown who had had an accident which was not much a rare thing to happen. But I kept going. I felt guilty --- guilty of leaving Suhani when she needed me, guilty for not helping the victim when he needed help,---- guilty for making someone wait for me…!

I rushed inside the hospital and enquired at the reception.

Someone hugged me from back.It was Rai. His sister.
What is she doing here?
Her face flashed with tears, “O God! You came…I had been trying to reach you for long….he was whispering your name in semi-consciousness.”

I was in dismay, trying to figure out her words. She sniffed as she continued..“You don’t know what happened today morn…brother had a terrible accident…those usual stupid bus-competitions among the drivers played the demon…his face was far from recognition…and you wont believe , he lay there , semi-conscious for a damn forty-five minutes with no one helping him ! We were informed after one hour….”

I stood numb. She must be lying.
That ‘figure in the pool of blood’ flashed in my vision. I felt dizzy. A cold wave flowed down my spine. My feet swayed.Is nine months too much long time…that I couldn’t even identify him? Do I deserve to get everything he offers? I cursed myself.I wanted to rush to him. I could not. I felt my knee weakening. I dragged myself to his cabin.

He was there. His head bandaged with a severe blood-patch at one of the temples. His face was calm, still vibrant with that old boyish charm.

I remembered the day he had proposed…or rather tried to propose.!

“I have something to tell you…something important”. He blushed.
I watched his face changing colors every second, fully aware what he was trying to say.
“Ummm…well…you know…I…I love …I love this place”.
He bit his lips and fell silent.
“Yeah…I know…I know what you mean.”
He looked at me, in surprise. I winced.And he flashed his boyish grin, with the same calmness and charm.

I moved closer to his bed. He had an absolute serenity and I felt intrigued. I felt the whole of this day had been playing a cruel game with me. I felt stupid. As I sat by his side, he stirred.

His eyes half-opened…his voice was low and husky, “hospital is quite romantic…I never knew before…you??” He gave a dry smile and fell asleep again.

I felt that lump in my throat, growing bigger and this time it was unbearable. I wanted to scream….I felt suffocated…I wanted to breathe.

Doctor said, “He is out of danger…..but will need few days to recover fully”.

My phone beeped. Home calling.

“Where are you, all day long??” It was mom.
“mom….” I could not speak. The lump was too big.

His parents insisted me to go home and have rest. I came back.



It was 2am now. I felt restless. I had to confide. I walked stealthily to mom. She was sleeping. I sat by her side, whimpering. Mom woke up, her glance sensitive, understanding. I buried my head into her shoulder and sobbed, “mom……………………”


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